Have you ever been in a conversation where you suddenly realize: We’re not actually arguing about what we started arguing about anymore?
A principal introduces a new policy, and a teacher hears, You don’t trust my judgment. A teacher raises concerns about missing assignments, and a parent hears, You think I’m a bad parent. A colleague questions your proposal, and your brain registers, They’re attacking my competence.
At that point, the problem is no longer just the policy, the assignments, or the proposal. Your brain may have shifted into threat mode. Once that happens, some of the very capacities you need to solve the problem become harder to access: curiosity, perspective, empathy, creativity, and flexible thinking.
That was one of eight ideas Dana Goodier and I explored during my recent appearance on her Out of the Trenches podcast.
The idea I keep coming back to is this:
Before trying to change another person’s behavior or solve the problem in front of you, make sure you are in a mental state capable of solving it.
Sometimes the most useful question in a difficult conversation isn’t: “How do I convince them?”
It’s: “Could I be in limbic mode right now? And what would help me move back into a more resourceful state?”
That small shift in awareness can change what happens next—from defending and convincing to becoming curious about what you might be missing.
I wrote more about why this happens, what it does to conflict, and how “what am I missing?” can change what becomes possible.
Read: “The Goodier-Weisburgh Interview: Can You Solve This Problem?”